So many emotions exist when facing the delivery of a stillborn baby. Wanting to be pregnant forever, if it means holding on to that little one. Aching to have the ultrasounds, the lab work, and every other test bring a different outcome. Experiencing excruciating labor pains and realizing they are not going to bring that first breath, that tiny cry of life.
And yet, life has indeed existed before the actual birth. There comes a peace, after the delivery, when holding that beautiful little body, that is unmistakable and impossible to describe. I've been reading this sweet story of Lois Amelia, reaching for the tissues, and thinking about our own experience with Eric. I've not met Breanna and Scott yet, but I hear they are very wonderful people. I feel their strength, their devotion to one another, and their hope for an eternal future with little Lois. This faithful mother shares her story here, of her firstborn, through a letter. I love it. I look forward to meeting this sweet family. What a great extended family support they have! They will be dove releasers at our Running with Angels 5K on May 20th.
My Sweet Baby Girl,
What a beautiful experience you have given us. From the very beginning, we have felt your loving spirit and adorable personality. I absolutely loved carrying you. You were very sweet to not make me sick. You were a tiny dictator when it came to eating, drinking, and peeing :) Your amazing father was so unbelievably patient and didn't ever hesitate to give you what you wanted (even if it was actually what I wanted). We would joke about how spoiled you were and how you were running the show--the truth is that we were sublimely happy giving you everything you needed. We pictured different scenarios with you as a child and imagined your little personality handling each situation. I knew you and your dad would have a very special bond. You are named after his incredible grandma and that means everything to him. I also knew that your dad would be your comforter. When you needed advice, a shoulder to cry on, or just wanted to talk about weird music--he would be the one you go to. I pictured you being witty and sassy, and often leaving your dad and I speechless with no other choice but to laugh.
When we found out you were a girl, it just confirmed what I had already known/wanted. The doctors told us they were extremely concerned about your condition. We were devastated, but found peace and comfort through priesthood blessings and the plan of salvation. We held out hope, and even joked that you were just playing a prank on us, and you were actually perfectly healthy. Each doctor's appointment brought more sad news, but we found hope and optimism in between visits. They found that you had a couple things going on. The Hydrops was the most concerning, and the Cystic Hygroma was what led us to the genetic testing. They found that you had a genetic translocation with your 6th chromosome. They had never seen this before. We joked that you just really wanted to make a statement. Our last visit it Dr. Glenn was very difficult. He told us that he had never seen a baby this sick make it. It broke our hearts. We knew it was a strong possibility, but to have all hope taken was something I couldn't accept for the next few days.
Later in the week, I decided to tell your Grandma Lezlie what the doctor said. She was devastated. She had been so excited to meet you and had spoiled you with all sorts of clothes and things for your nursery. That weekend (Labor Day Weekend) we went to Lake Powell with Grandma and Grandpa Bennett and all your aunts and uncles from that side were there. We felt like it was a good time to tell everyone what the doctor said. It was Aunt Sicily's birthday so we felt bad, but she said she was okay. Everyone was very sad, but there was a certain peace about it. You loved Lake Powell--even when your dad tackled us in the water--I pretended you didn't like it, but I knew that was the sort of thing you would love to do with your dad. When we headed home, we stopped to get a hamburger (your choice), and i felt that you were in a different position. Your head was normally on the right side of my stomach, but I started to feel something hard toward the bottom of my stomach. Looking back, I wonder if that was you moving, or if that is what happened after your heart stopped.
The next day we went to the specialist hoping for more answers. Up until that appointment, I had been terrified for every doctor's visit--fearing they would tell me that your heart stopped. For some reason I didn't think about it for this particular appointment. I was very nervous, and we said a prayer for peace and strength. When they started the ultrasound, your dad and I could tell that the swelling had gotten a lot worse since your last appointment about 3 weeks before.
When they got to your heart, we could see that it wasn't moving. She tried to zoom in and get some heart tones, but nothing was happening. She said there wasn't a heart beat, and that the doctor would be in to talk to us about that. I started crying, but held onto a little bit of hope that the doctor would come in and do another try--and maybe she could find your heartbeat. When the doctor came in, she didn't try to find it. She just explained the next steps. I was in a weird place where I was trying to stay calm so we could know what to do, but my heart was breaking on the inside.
We called your grandparents on our way over to Dr. Grover. They were very sad, but did their best to stay strong. Dr. Grover gave me lamanaria to induce labor and sent us home. It was a weird calm that we felt. Looking back, I think it was a mixture of wondering what labor would be like, and also trying to think through all the difficult decisions that no parent should ever have to think through. Grandma and Grandpa Bennett came over that night and we had a really sweet conversation. We went back the next morning and she gave me more lamanaria. We went home again and I slept a lot and your dad watched the Apple event--both of us trying to stay distracted. Grandma Lezlie and Aunt Sammie came over and were very supportive.
The next morning we checked into labor and delivery. The nurse gave me cytotec because I was at a 2. They said it normally takes between 3-5 doses before you would be ready to come. With 3 hours between each dose, we thought we were in for the long haul. We would soon find out that you had your own plans :) About a half hour before it was time for my second dose, I started to have really bad "cramps". I told myself to hang in there until the nurse came back, and I would ask for something to help, but maybe not the epidural. About 15 minutes later they got a lot worse so I called for the nurse at her convenience. About 10 minutes after that, I told her to please come quickly. She came in and I told her I was in A LOT of pain. She said the anesthesiologist was in a c-section so she would give me some morphine to hold me over. She said I was in hard labor so when I was comfortable, she would check me again. I was still at a 2 when she first came in, and then after the epidural kicked in, my water broke. It shocked me. I thought for sure I had lost control of my bladder and just peed everywhere. The nurse checked me after that and I was ready. She said she felt baby parts.
Your aunts Sicily and Savanna were there and the grandmas walked in right then. Your Grandma Lezlie was so funny because she brought coloring books and Uno cards--again, we thought we had a lot of time. Your Grandma Michelle held my hand and tried to warm me up because I had the chills. And those ice chips--they were heavenly. Your dad gave me a wonderful blessing and we sent everyone out.
When the doctor came in to deliver you, she said, "baby is trying to come out." I told her you had been a little stinker, so it didn't surprise me :) You were breech, so I saw your little foot pop out and my heart just melted. It was the most perfect, tiny foot I had ever seen. Your head had a lot of swelling so it took some work to get you all the way out. I didn't see you for a little bit because it took some time to get all the placenta out. They wrapped you in a towel and brought you to me. You were very red and swollen, and you were the most beautiful, precious baby I had ever laid eyes on. You were born at 5:15pm and you weighed 1 pound 11 ounces, and were 11 inches long. Your dad and I spent some time alone with you and just snuggled your sweet little body. We were surprised, because it wasn't a sad time. We felt the spirit so strong, and we were just overwhelmed with joy. We were holding our baby girl!
Your dad went to get everyone from the waiting room so we could bless you with a name. Your dad wrote you a letter explaining why your name is so important, so I won't go into that. I will say that you are a very loved little girl, and we know you will bear that name with honor. People who were there: Gma Lezlie, Gma and Gpa Bennett, Aunts Sicily, Savanna, and Ingunn, Great Gmas and Gpas Bennett and Hendry, Aunt Sammie and Uncle John, Cousins Katelyn, Jackson, Alyssa, Abby and Madi, and of course your mom and dad. You are very loved my sweet girl.
Your dad gave you a beautiful blessing and the spirit was very strong. You were blessed to know how much you are loved by your family and your Heavenly Father, and that through the atonement, all the blessings you seek in your eternal progress will be blessed to you. He wanted you to know that your mother and father are praying for you and loving you, and that we are grateful for you and all the joy that you have brought into our lives. He then closed your blessing of gratitude. Everyone held you again and said goodbye. Gma Lezlie, Aunt Sammie, Sicily, and Savanna stayed and helped Heather from Angel Watch do your hand and feet molds.
Your Aunt Sicily started to get really sick and she felt really bad, but she had to go home. Your Aunt Savanna had some special time bonding with you and taking pictures which we are very grateful for. We got to hold you and I got some very special pictures of you holding my finger. Savanna and Heather put you in a cute diaper, bracelet, hat with a bow, and they wrapped you in the sweet blanket that Aunt Sammie got you.
Gma and Gpa Bennett came back and held you. It was a very special time to spend with you and family. We were loving all your little features like your tiny fingernails and your little toes and fingers. Your little leg kept going up--we think it's the same leg from your ultrasound :) You could feel your tiny little bones--especially in your right knee. Your tiny nose was just adorable and your lips. The most kissable lips I ever laid eyes on. When we opened your little mouth, you could see your sweet tongue. Your dad and I joked that you probably slept like your momma because your mouth would stay open. Oh my sweet girl, those moments are so precious to me.
After a little while, it started to get late, so family gave you loves and said goodbye. Your dad and I had some alone time with you that I will cherish forever. Your dad read you the letter he wrote you and then we snuggled as a family. You laid on your dad's chest and I laid in his arm. I still long for that moment. When we go to bed now, I always think of that memory and it brings me to tears. Partly because I long for that experience again, but also because it was such a special time and I am extremely grateful we had that opportunity.
About 10:30pm, we decided to say goodbye and we gave you to Heather. I kissed the top of your head and gave you squeezes. I will never forget the feeling of your sweet little body being so close to mine. Your daddy gave you some loves and then we said goodbye. We were very sad, but we could still feel your presence very strong, so we didn't feel like we were really saying goodbye. We stayed in the hospital that night and left the next morning. Maybe it was the morphine, or maybe it was a tender mercy--either way, that day was a very happy, special day to us. I am so so grateful for the time we had with you and the joy we felt holding you in our arms. I will never forget it. And I can't wait until we get to hold you in our arms again my sweet girl.
Always and Forever,
Wednesday, April 26, 2017
Meet Team Jayden. They are a favorite family of mine. They have participated in the Running with Angels 5K for a few years. The better I get to know them, the more I like them! They run for Amy's daughter, Jayden Angelyn--she even has "Angel" in her name. And what a beautiful baby. When a baby dies of SIDS (Sudden Infant Death Syndrome), there may be many unexplained questions that will never be answered in mortality. My heart goes out to Amy and her wonderful family--who come together each year and celebrate the life of a sweet daughter, sister, granddaughter, niece, and cousin.
Below are race pictures from 2016, and Amy's lovely story about little Jayden Angelyn Quiring.
Below are race pictures from 2016, and Amy's lovely story about little Jayden Angelyn Quiring.
Go Team Jayden!
On November 12, 1998 our little angel entered our lives. Jayden Angelyn Quiring made her grand arrival a week past her due date. Once labor started is was super quick, only 4 hours start to finish! What a cutie she was too. A little pug nose and a tiny little dimple right in the middle of her chin. We were all so thrilled to have another little baby added to our family.Jayden was a surprise to our family, as we found out I was pregnant when Conner, her older brother, was only 6 months old. While we were a little nervous to quickly add another member, we were also excited and happy. Conner was excited to have a little sister.... and he loved her SO very much from the minute they met. Conner was 18 months old when Jayden was born. Conner could make Jayden smile when no one else could get her to stop crying. He took extra special interest in her for someone as young as he was. He was constantl checking on her to make sure she was ok. He was a big helper and wanted to feed her, bathe her, and even dress her. It was so adorable.
Jayden was a chunky little thing. She loved being held outward so she could see what was going on in her little world. I often wonder if she knew her life on earth would be short so she wanted to see it all, take in as much as she could. Jayden was loved by so many! She was the second grandchild, first girl, so she was spoiled and well attended too. Aunt Brooke loved to paint her tiny little nails and Aunt Ang babysat often. We lived with my parents at the time so Jayden got tons of Grandma and Grandpa time. Aunts, Uncles, Cousins and friends were all impacted and loved by Jayden as well. We have always been such a blessed family to have each other.
Jayden passed away in her sleep on May 17th, 1999. She was with us for 6 short months. We feel so grateful we were given some time to meet our beautiful angel. Cause of death was Sudden Infant Death Syndrome, SIDS.
Many years have passed since Jayden left us. She would have been 18 years old this past November. It's crazy how life goes on, things change, our family has grown and changed over the years, and time has made memories fade and sad moments not feel so sad. In many ways I am grateful for the years and the ease it has given on the pain, and in so many ways time has made me sad because I think of the young woman she would be today. We have a few traditions to remember our little angel, but my most favorite one is the chance to take part in Running with Angels every year. I found the race just a few years ago and we look forward to spending a day with my family and others running in memory of a special little someone we will always remember.
Tuesday, April 25, 2017
I've had to take a little time out lately. . . to breathe. To regroup. To step back just a bit. I've really missed writing about my angels, though. Which is why today, in welcoming myself back, I am naming Ashleigh the Angel of the Day. She trained Karen and me in our second 100-Day Heart Challenge. I'm one who needs to experience some things quite a few times before they really sink in.
Ashleigh was one of my trainers. She encouraged me to "Breathe!" quite often. Probably because I wasn't doing it very well or often enough. To effectively sustain the energy needed to do the exercise, it is important to not forget to breathe. I find myself still thinking about her advice--even when I'm not working out. When days are rough. When I am trying to keep my head above the floodwaters of life. And particularly when I am encouraging others to also take time to breathe when they are facing tough times.
Just like in the airline instructions, where we are told to put on our own oxygen mask before putting one on our child, we need to be able to breathe sufficiently before we can be of help to anyone else. It is so easy to forget to do that. By simply taking adequate time to ponder, to meditate, to pray, to do the things which sustain our energy (why don't I ever have to be reminded to eat?), we can live life much more mindfully, and be of greater service to those we love.
So, dear Ashleigh, I will breathe. Thank you for the reminder. It is one I have needed more than a few times. And I wish you the best in your new life with your handsome Perry and pursuing your Doctorate degree.
Keep a smile on that pretty face. . . And don't forget to breathe!
Tuesday, April 18, 2017
I loved hanging out with her in high school, when, on the day of some big dance, I would wear curlers in my hair and drive down to her house and we'd listen to Barry Manilow while we talked about our dates. Nothing seemed more important! And now we've both grown up and discovered the really important things in life. Joni just seems to keep getting younger and more vivacious with each passing year. I now run my marathons vicariously through her. I simply smile when I reflect on our memories from high school and how much I adore this girl. Joni, you truly are an inspiring angel. Keep running!
Thursday, April 13, 2017
This bond between us can't be broken, I will be here don't you cry
'Cause you'll be in my heart, yes, you'll be in my heart
From this day on, now and forevermore.
You'll be in my heart, no matter what they say
You'll be in my heart always . . . (Phil Collins)
We buried little Eric, born still, 16 years ago today. I can't help but think about what it would be like to have a teenage son around this somewhat empty house. Driving. Dating. Playing soccer? Maybe in the school plays? Singing in the Choir? At times I miss what could have been.
I love you, Eric. You'll be in my heart always.
Monday, April 10, 2017
Jared said it first. He and his big buff biceps trained Karen and me in the gym while we did the 100-Day Heart Challenge. He worked us hard! There were days when I realized I had muscles I never knew existed before his training. He also taught me something I hadn't thought about before. If I remember correctly, he explained that in trying to lose weight, the time I spend each day working out is only about 20 - 30% of the whole package. The other 70 - 80%? It's the food choices I make. I have thought about that a lot in my quest for better health. The time I spend each day getting proper exercise is important--a very critical part. But it is only a part.
I have also realized that it is the same with attending church, or going to the temple. It is just a few hours of each week. A very important, very critical part. But how am I spending the rest of my week? Am I serving? Am I being kind? Am I reading my scriptures? Do I begin and end my days in prayer? Am I staying true to what I believe?
Why does physical exercise seem to have so many answers? . . . Sigh. . . Wouldn't it be much nicer if it were chocolate that had all the answers?
Jared, thanks for all you taught me. Even though I may not have felt it much at the time, you really are an angel.
Saturday, April 8, 2017
Early this morning I ran (okay, I walked fast) into Macey's grocery store to pick up a gallon of milk. All the way to the milk and back to the check stand I was amazed at how shiny the floor was. It looked freshly polished and so clean I could have eaten my bowl of cereal right there. But the BEST part was that I spent so much time admiring the phenomenal floor that I walked right past the Ding Dongs, Twinkies, and Ho Hos!! Thank you, Macey's employees, for working through the night making that floor so nice and shiny--and helping me avoid temptation. How angelic of you.
Friday, April 7, 2017
I knew this morning when I saw her that Chelsea was going to be my Angel for today. She moved from our neighborhood a few months ago, and I realized today just how much I missed seeing her bright smiling face. I met Chelsea many years ago, and I was instantly drawn to her when I discovered her grandfather is Elder Jacob deJager. He inspired me years ago when I heard him testify of the truthfulness of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. And cute Chelsea herself inspired me this morning when she achieved "Lifetime" at Weight Watchers. That is not an easy task! I admire her determination, her hard work, and that beautiful smile which has always warmed my heart. Congratulations, Chelsea! Keep up the great work, and keep a smile on that pretty face!
Thursday, April 6, 2017
Sweet little Norah just turned five on the fifth. Another Golden birthday in the family. Her arrival brought my new position of "Grandma." And from her, I learned that being a grandma is pretty much the best thing in the world!
The day she was born we got to the hospital soon after her birth. Nicholas said, "Mom, she hardly ever cries!" Bless his heart. She was only 45 minutes old.
And she has been a joy ever since that wonderful day. She loves to read, write, bake in the kitchen with me, and she works very hard in pre-school. I think she is at the top of her class. She's perfect, really, and she can do no wrong. And you should see her dance! She just donated much of her lovely locks of hair to children with cancer. She's caring, she's confident, and she has terrific parents. I am so glad she is growing up in the spittin' image of her adorable mother, Jamie.
Becoming familiar with Norah's beautiful spirit can make anyone a better person. I am certain that with her in the world, our future is in good hands.
Wednesday, April 5, 2017
You know what's good about these two? I mean besides the fact that they have been such wonderful neighbors for so many years, and that we've trusted them with our children, our dogs, our home, our mail, and our feelings. And besides the fact that Chris is a Champion Smoker (of ribs!) and Deena is a Master Quilter. And besides the fun it's been watching them become grandparents to adorable little West, and that they both recently retired, and that they are embarking on a wonderful new journey at the MTC.
They are angels, that's what. They are my Angels of the Day for yesterday and today.
Chris has taken pictures at our Running with Angels 5K for the past umpteen years, and I hope he will be there again this year on May 20th. He has selflessly offered his time, his talents, and his efforts on behalf of the event, and on behalf of our family, many times over.
Deena is a listener. She has been there to offer a shoulder to cry on, even if I do have to bend down a few inches to get there. :) She has listened, she has encouraged, and she has been there when things haven't worked out so well. I love this woman. She is one of those people who I feel I have known for a lot longer than a lifetime. What a blessing she is in my life!
Monday, April 3, 2017
After hearing messages the past few days about being kind and about overcoming the world, I thought of my friend, Kye. She is such an incredible example of kindness, compassion, and overcoming obstacles. She's the sort of person that after being around her, you come away feeling better about yourself. She handles some pretty challenging chapters in life with humility, empathy, and patience. I admire her greatly. I asked her once how she continues to have such a patient and positive attitude. She regards life as a gift. Truly. She not only sees the glass half full, she notices how clear the glass is, and how delicious the water looks. And she is a Master at Public Health, too. She's an angel!
Sunday, April 2, 2017
I loved listening to the messages from this LDS General Conference. I came away knowing that I have a loving Heavenly Father who knows me, and knows what I can become. I want to study the Book of Mormon more intently. I have come to know of its truthfulness and divinity.
I love our Prophet. He instructed us to be kind. I'm going to try harder at that, too. Especially when I'm driving and it's easy to see that others on the road don't know how to drive as well as I do. :)
President Monson, you are truly an angel.
Saturday, April 1, 2017
To you, who brought that sweet woman to the movie and cared for her so kindly on Friday afternoon, from what I observed in those few moments, you epitomize what I heard today and last week in the General Conference sessions. Thank you for showing me such a lovely example of charity.
You are an angel!