Grace Changes Everything!

I am amazed how, when parents are in the depths of despair when facing the loss of a child, many are able to think about helping and saving other babies through organ donation.  It isn't always possible, but what a loving idea!  

Baby Olivia Grace was born just over two years ago to Dave and Holly Barnhart.  They had quite a nice support team to welcome her to the world . . . and bid her farewell.  As Olivia's sweet grandmother said, their hearts felt "full and empty at the same time."  We are happy to have this wonderful family with us at the 15th annual Running with Angels 5K on Saturday, May 18th, 2019.

Grace Changes Everything!

December 5, 2016 started out as a normal Monday. Dave and I were excited to find out the gender of our baby after we had experienced a devastating miscarriage exactly one year prior. We hadn’t told anyone we were expecting, not even our son Hunter who was 4 years old at the time. We thought it would be fun for him to go with us and find out not only that he was getting a sibling but also whether it was a boy or girl.

The tech called us back and as she began the ultrasound she was making small talk and asked if we had any guesses on the baby’s gender. She got real quiet and kept moving the monitor back and forth like she was looking for something. She said well I’m pretty sure it’s a girl but it’s kind of hard to see. Then after a few minutes she got up and excused herself and said she would be right back. I immediately began to get worried. I knew that wasn’t normal for her to leave the room. She finally came back several minutes later but it felt like an eternity. She continued the ultrasound for a few more minutes and then printed out a few pictures and handed them to me.

Normally after a gender ultrasound you go out to the waiting room and wait for your appointment to see the doctor, but instead she took us directly into an exam room. We didn’t have to wait more than a minute or so and he came in. He didn’t waste any time and told us our daughter had a birth defect called anencephaly. It’s where the baby’s brain & the top part of their head doesn’t develop. I was crushed. Actually crushed doesn’t do the way I felt justice. There are no words that exist that can adequately describe the feelings I felt that day. He told us he wanted to send us to a specialist to confirm what they found that day but that we shouldn’t get our hopes up because this is something that is almost never misdiagnosed.

On the way home that day we were talking and we decided that if there was no way our daughter could survive this, we wanted to donate her organs to save other babies.

Three days later we went to our appointment with the specialist where it was confirmed that she did indeed have anencephaly. We asked him about organ donation and we were told although that was a very generous gift that it wasn’t possible to donate. Even though most babies with anencephaly are perfectly healthy otherwise, you cannot declare them “brain dead” therefore you cannot donate their organs. We were heartbroken that we couldn’t help other babies who were facing life threatening illnesses. He told us we had the option the deliver early or we could continue to full term. For us there was no question. It wasn’t our decision to make when her time here was up. We wanted to continue the pregnancy to full term and allow her to live as long as she was supposed to.

The next 5 months were hard. There was a chance that her heart could stop beating at anytime and not knowing what to expect was difficult.

We made it to full term. On Sunday May 7, 2017 Olivia Grace Barnhart was born at 7:22 am weighing 4 pounds 12 ounces and 17.5 inches long. She never took a breath but her heart continued to beat for 10 minutes and I’m so grateful for everyone one of them. We had the most amazing nurses and we felt like we got VIP treatment. We were able to give her a bath and dress her in a cute outfit we brought for her. Both of our parents and Hunter came in first to meet her and then a few of our siblings were able to come as well. Heather Walker was so great. She got some really beautiful pictures and made the sweetest molds of her hands and feet. We will cherish them forever!
It was such a peaceful day and the room was so full of love for this little girl.

The time came that we knew we needed to let her go. We had a nurse call the funeral home to come pick her up. I will never forget the heart wrenching feeling I had as we watched him carry her out and drive away. I’m pretty sure a very large piece of my heart went with her that day. It was so difficult to leave that hospital room knowing we were going home empty handed.

The day of her graveside service was beautiful. Dave, Hunter, & I went to the funeral home together to spend some time with her. We drove her in the back of our car to the cemetery. I couldn’t stand the thought of her riding in the back of a car driven by the funeral director while we followed behind. We made the short drive through town to the baby section of the Lehi cemetery. So many of our family and friends came to support us. I remember turning to Dave as we pulled in and said WOW, there’s a lot of love here!

The service we planned was perfect. Dave dedicated her grave. It was the most beautiful blessing I’ve ever heard. It was perfect in every way and you could feel the love radiating from him. Afterwards Hunter got to lead the cousins in releasing pink balloons into the sky, sending them to Olivia in heaven. It was a very bitter sweet day and borrowing my mom’s words, “my heart was full and empty at the same time.” It was a beautiful day to celebrate a beautiful girl.

We knew early on she came here to receive her body and to serve a purpose. We decided we needed to give her a name that held a lot of meaning. Olivia means olive tree, which is representative of Christ’s atonement. We knew we would need to rely on that to help us through this difficult time. Her middle name is Grace meaning a gift from God. One night Dave and I came across a quote from then, President Uctdorf. He said “His Grace helps us become our best selves.” We truly feel like Olivia’s purpose here was to teach her parents that it is through His grace, and allowing us to be parents to such a perfect little person, that we can strive to become our best selves.

These last two years have been hard at times but it has taught us to love deeper, live life more fully, and that “Grace changes everything”!

I’m so grateful this little one chose me to be her mom and that families are forever. This is without a doubt the hardest most heart wrenching trial I have ever had to face, but I know I will see her again. I love my Heavenly Father and my Savior Jesus Christ, and I am thankful for the grace I am extended every day to try again to be my best self.

Blessed

I loved reading Cheryl's account of sweet little Quinn, who blessed their lives just over a year ago.  I remember praying for the outcome I wanted when we lost our babies, and Cheryl describes so eloquently the emotions that so many mothers face when they are told their baby will most likely not be able to survive at or after birth.

Angel Watch is such a wonderful program.  Heather Walker, in Utah county, and her angel helpers, is there to help mothers and families--no matter the time of day.  I remember coming to my bedside at 2:00 in the morning.  She well understands the heartache.  I wrote about her in my blogpost "Our Grown Up Angel Heather."  

Even through their own grief, it has been difficult for Cheryl and Jon to witness the grief of their older children.  This family has so much love for each other and for little Quinn, who I am sure will be running right along with them throughout their lives.  

Thank you, Cheryl and Jon, for sharing your tender story:

In October of 2017 we found out we were expecting another baby. We couldn’t have been more excited! 2017 had been an extremely rough year for our family. My mom had gotten in a car accident in March and remained in the hospital until she passed away that August. We were ready for a new year and a new baby in 2018. On January 3^rdwe had a routine doctor appointment at 19 weeks. We knew we would be having an ultrasound and couldn’t wait to see our baby again! We were excited when we found out it was another boy, but we also found out that they had some concerns. My babies have always had a history of not cooperating during ultrasounds, so the fact that he was squished up against my cervix and not giving us a good view didn’t come as a surprise. The technician wasn’t able to tell if there might be something wrong with his legs or if it was just the positioning and angle. It was decided it would be best to set up an appointment with maternal fetal medicine to have a more in-depth ultrasound done. Of course we were hoping they could get us in that very day or the next day at the latest…no such luck. We were scheduled 2 weeks out. As you can imagine over the next two weeks, my husband Jon and I went over every possible scenario that we could think of, and there wasn’t any scenario that we could think of that we weren’t able and willing to handle.

We went into this appointment expecting to hear there might be some issues with our sweet baby, what we didn’t expect to hear was the word “lethal”. We were told that our little guy has a form of lethal skeletal dysplasia, called osteogenesis imperfecta. We were told there are several types of OI and unfortunately the type our little guy had was type two which is the most severe. The doctor told us that he will have less than a 1% chance survival rate at birth that almost all infants die at birth or shortly after due to respiratory problems, if not prior to birth. Clearly we hadn’t heard what she said correctly. There was no way we were being told that our baby wasn’t going to live. She went on to explain that unfortunately there was nothing that can be done to fix it. 
We were given two choices…the first choice being to deliver him right within the next day or two, the second was to carry him full term. Neither one was an easy choice, and sadly neither one would have a good outcome. The doctor left the room for a few minutes to give Jon and I a chance to process what we had just been told and to discuss what we wanted to do. We felt strongly about going full term, but struggled with knowing if this is the right thing to do. We wanted the least amount of suffering for our baby, but we also wanted to hold on to any bit of hope and possibility of a positive outcome. We decided that we would carry our son to full term. 

Our doctor referred us to a specialist at the University of Utah, however we weren’t able to see him until the 15th February, which seemed forever away. We were hopeful for good news, but also preparing for confirmation of what we have already been told. I wanted so badly to be mad…to be so angry when I would walk through the store past the baby things, knowing I should be shopping and preparing for our little guy. But for some reason I couldn’t be angry, and for that I was grateful. It was so strange to feel gratitude in that situation, but my heart was so full of gratitude. I was thankful for the time that I was getting to have with my sweet baby, even though I knew it may be short.  I was so thankful for every moment I was getting to carry him inside of me.  I was thankful for my amazing husband, who had endured so much over the past year as I struggled with my mom’s car accident and then losing her. And now this….even as he struggled himself during this difficult time, he was there for me every step of the way, being my rock on my good days and bad. I was thankful for our amazing family and friends who always seemed to know when I needed them the most. I was thankful for our sweet kids, who seemed to know just the right things to say, or when I needed a hug. They were a great reminder of everything I had been blessed with. I was thankful for complete strangers who had offered such kind words, prayers and even though they didn’t know me, they would reach out to check on me on a regular basis. Sometimes it’s difficult to see that even through such sad and rough times that we still have so much to be thankful for, but I was so blessed that even during such a sad and difficult time that I did indeed have so much to be thankful for.

Our appointment with the specialist was confirmation of the devastating news we had already been told, and again we were told it would be in our best interest to terminate our pregnancy. We still felt strongly about carrying out our pregnancy. We had gone into this appointment prepared but hearing again that our baby indeed had a fatal condition was so hard to accept. With everything that had happened over the past year, I had tried to convince myself that there is good that comes from everything, regardless of how hard you may have to look to find that good. My mom’s accident was so very tragic, and the months that followed were so very difficult, but through that tragedy I was able to meet and develop some very special friendships that would help me through that difficult time. I will forever treasure those friendships and the peace and comfort they brought me during such a difficult time in my life. When we found out shortly after my mom’s death that were would be having another baby, we were so

happy, we felt like this baby would have such a huge part of my mom with it, we were ecstatic!! To then be faced with the news that we would be losing our precious little baby, seemed almost too much to bear. How do you possibly find the good in a situation such as that? There is no way there could possibly be any good to find in such sadness. One thing we had been told at each and every appointment we had is what a good strong heart our little guy had. I told Jon after one appointment that was great to hear, but didn’t really do much good if the rest of his body wasn’t going to be strong enough for him to survive. And one day it hit me…if we weren’t going to be able to have our little baby in our lives, maybe he would be able to help another family to have their baby in their lives. Maybe there could be some good in all of this. I talked with Jon about my idea of possibly donating our baby’s heart to help save another little baby. Jon was in agreement and said almost word for word what I had been feeling. At our next appointment we addressed the desire to be able to donate our son’s heart to help save another. We weren’t given a definite answer as it is a very tricky process, and definitely some uncertainty due to our son having a fatal condition, but were left with a bit of hope that it could be possible. We wanted nothing more than to be able to bring our baby home with us, but after having been faced with and experiencing the heartbreaking news of being told your baby isn’t going to survive, we truly knew what that felt like, and if there is any way we could help another family from going down that same road, we wanted nothing more than to be able to do just that. We received a call the following week that we would not be able to do any type of organ donations. Again we were devastated, but were determined to remain positive and focus on the short amount of time we had left with our baby.

At 25 weeks two very amazing women from Angel Watch came to our home and met with my Jon and I . I was so very hesitant when they first contacted us…I felt like meeting with them was yet another confirmation that our baby is going to die. I felt a sense of guilt…as though meeting with them was a sign that I was giving up hope. Several times I had considered canceling, but am so thankful that I didn’t.They were another blessing brought into our lives during that time to listen to us, give us guidance and support us through the tough road that was to lie ahead. I no longer doubted if we made the right choice to continue on. I couldn’t wait for the day we would get to hold our baby boy and let him how much we loved him, regardless of how short that time might be, but until then I was so thankful for every second of every day that I got to carry our son inside me.

At our 30 week appointment our doctor told us I was measuring at 35 weeks. He wasn’t very worried about it…but I was. He said he expected me to deliver within the next few weeks. I wasn’t ready to face the reality of the unknown…not ready for the very real possibility of losing our son…not ready for him to leave the safety of my belly where I could talk to him and sing to him every day, where I could feel him and hold him close every second of every day. Monitoring the baby was then done on a weekly basis now as it was our doctor’s main goal is to make sure we are able to spend time with our son.  As the end appeared to be closer than we were anticipating the reality, fear and sadness started to set in even more. Our doctor was convinced that we would just keep our little guy comfortable for the short amount of time he would be with us, however we were still holding on to every bit of hope and praying for the best possible outcome, as well as the strength to carry on whatever the outcome may be. I started contacting funeral homes to discuss arrangements for our son if and when the time was to come.

On the evening of Sunday April 22nd Jon and I were sitting in the front yard with our kids when my water broke. I ran upstairs to our bathroom and noticed that I had also started bleeding. I tried waiting for the water and bleeding to stop so we could go to the hospital. When I realized the bleeding wasn’t going to stop Jon helped me to the car and we hurried to the hospital. I have never been so scared in my entire life. Shortly after I received my epidural our baby’s heart rate dropped and they we rushed to the OR for an emergency c-section. Due to the extreme amount of amniotic fluid it caused an abruption during the

process and his umbilical cord became completely disconnected causing his heart rate to plummet and breathing to stop. At 10:46pm our baby Charles Quinn Knabenschuh, was delivered weighing exactly 3lbs and was immediately rushed next door to the NICU where they started performing life saving measures through a suction mask to get him breathing again which unfortunately was unsuccessful.  The next steps would have been chest compressions that could have been very traumatic for him and at that time Jon had to make the decision to stop those efforts so he would not suffer any longer. One of the most difficult decisions he would ever have to make in his life. 

Before delivery and during the c-section procedure I had an estimated blood loss of about 2 liters so I was taken immediately be given several blood transfusions. I vaguely remember the events leading up to that. I remember being told that my baby was out and wasn’t doing well, that they were in the NICU with him and Jon and that they were doing everything possible for him but it wasn’t looking good. When I woke up later, I was surrounded by my family and a few close friends. I knew right away that he hadn’t made it. As late as it was, Heather from Angel Watch was there, taking pictures and making hand and feet molds. We were able to spend that night and the following day with Quinn.

Holding him and loving him, singing and talking to him, trying to memorize every inch of his precious little body. He looked so sweet and so peaceful. His brothers and sister held him and told him how much they loved him, It broke my heart to see each of them hurting. Finally the time we were able to spend with him was over…when they took him from me, a huge piece of my heart went with him.  I spent the next few days in the hospital recovering. I should have had my cute little Quinn with me during those days, but my arms were empty. Between visitors and my family being at the hospital, as I would sit alone in the sometimes not so friendly quietness, I pondered what one word I would pick to describe what I had been feeling. Believe me, there were a whole slew of them to pick from… scared, sad, heartbroken, denial, lost, devastated, angry, crushed….but the one word that I couldn’t shake from my head even though it againsounded like the most inappropriate for the circumstances, was blessed. 

Our journey since January when we were given such heartbreaking news started out with so much doubt and uncertainty as to what the future would hold and if we were making the right decisions. Ihave to say that I am extremely blessed to have a wonderful husband by my side who has shared the same decisions with me. We both knew that we wanted to carry our precious son with us till the end so that we were able to spend that time with him and would never look back with regret or what-ifs. April22^nd  was scary when my water broke…we didn’t know what the outcome would be, and all I could think about was that I wasn’t ready to not have my lil guy so safe and close inside of me anymore. Add in the fact that it was two months early and that minutes after my water broke I started bleeding heavily and that didn’t stop until after the c section, it made for a super scary situation. Our story didn’t have the ending that we prayed and hoped so long and so hard for, but Jon and I both feel as if things happened the best possible. Our precious angel didn’t have to suffer, our family was able to spend time with him seeing him so beautiful and so peaceful. We were chosen and blessed to be the parents of such a sweet perfect angel. Quinn has taught me more about strength, love and courage in a few short months than I have learned in my lifetime. My love for him and my family is completely indescribable…and I consider myself to be tremendously blessed.

Tragedy and Triumph

There are really two stories here, and both are significant.  My friend Teresa has, as can be seen in these before and after photos, truly triumphed over the weight challenges that so many of us face.  She continues to inspire me!

Teresa also shares the story of her angel siblings.  As difficult as the heartache is, no matter what day and age we live in, I realize there must have been an added dimension of strain for mothers a lifetime ago who lost children.  The death of an infant was managed much differently than it is today (which is just one of the reasons why I love "Angel Watch," a program benefitted by proceeds from the Running with Angels 5K.  Bereavement Specialist Heather Walker and her angels nowadays are available to guide parents through this heartbreak).  I also recognize just how difficult it was--and continues to be, for many families--to talk about and move through the process of grief.  Losing a child changes a family forever.  Everyone faces grief differently, and everyone finds comfort in different ways.  As I have observed parents experience grief over the years, and as I have become acquainted with it myself, I realize that staying silent is rarely a good idea.  We have come a long way throughout the decades in how we handle heartache, and opening up about the raw emotions that come with the anguish of losing a child can very therapeutic.  

I am honored that Teresa will be joining us this Saturday, at our 15th annual Running with Angles 5K.  She truly is an amazing woman, and the world is a better place because of her!

And P.S. . . Teresa is a beautiful woman and has a lovely smile . . . no matter her size.

Here is her story:

I am grateful for angels, both earthly and heavenly. I have two angel-baby siblings—a brother and sister I never met.

Gerald was my parent’s first baby, born two-and-a-half months premature. My 18-year-old mother was told he was stillborn. Forty-five years later, she discovered from Gerald’s death certificate that he had been born alive and lived five minutes. This was comforting to her. She and I visited the cemetery in Anaconda, Montana in an attempt to make arrangements for his tiny remains to be transported to our family burial plot in Logan, Utah. Sadly, because of poor record keeping, they were unable to locate him in the baby section of the cemetery.

Because infant death was handled so differently in those days, my mother never got to see or hold baby Gerald. My father took care of all the burial arrangements. There were no pictures. There was no service. There was no closure. It was presumed that this detachment would somehow make it easier for the mother to recover from the baby’s death. In my mother’s deep sorrow, everyone pretended that Gerald’s birth had never happened. All that remained was a profound sadness that no one could talk about and a subject that everyone avoided. Thankfully, we now know that it is more healthy to hold our sweet babies, feel our feelings, celebrate their beauty, and fully mourn their loss.

When Edna Mae was born, our family lived 23 miles outside of Fairbanks, Alaska. At 16 months, she suddenly became ill and was rushed to the hospital in serious condition. She died two hours later of heart failure and liver disease. For financial reasons, only my father accompanied Edna Mae’s body to Idaho for a funeral and to Utah for burial. My mother and siblings were not able to completely mourn her death and it left a deep hole of sadness in my mother’s heart.

Several years ago, my sister and I visited the hospital in Fairbanks and donated a soft pink blanket in memory of Edna Mae. The nurse on duty assured us that she would give it to someone who needed it most.

Four years after Edna Mae’s death, I was born six weeks early, weighing 5 lbs. I joined my parents and three siblings over age 15. Basically, I had five parents! All of them fed me and doted on me, which is understandable after the loss of Edna Mae. In our family, food was love. By my first birthday, I was a chubby 23 pounds! This established a life-long pattern of being over-weight and turning to food for comfort instead of dealing with problems and pain. I made a few attempts at weight loss, but was never able to keep the weight off because of returning to former habits. I had good health overall, but eventually weighed 284 lbs. I knew being overweight could dramatically impact my health in the future.

During our trip to Alaska, I saw people on the Alaska State Ferry who had come down to the lower 48 to have joint surgery. I had a moment of truth where I realized I would likely end up having joint surgery or weight-loss surgery. I didn’t want either. In a last-ditch effort to avoid bariatric surgery, I joined Weight Watchers in 2014. Through divine grace and angels of the earthly and heavenly variety, I lost 140 lbs. in two years. Both my daughter and I now fit into the pants I wore before my loss! I have maintained this loss for three years and now work for WW helping others achieve their wellness goals.

Angel Calvin, a Constant Companion

This is my beautiful friend, Jeanette Bennett.  Well, I've actually only met her once, but I think that anyone who visits with her for even a few minutes feels as if they are friends.   Jeanette is an amazing woman.  She told me about baby Calvin, and how, even after just 13 weeks, he has made a significant impact on her family.  Amazing how these little angels can influence the world for good!

Here is her story:

When Matt and I got married in 1995, we anticipated having five children. The first four came in our first decade of marriage — boy, girl, boy, girl. Life was busy, wonderful and challenging, as we were also raising our magazine publishing company that we started in 2000. In 2010, it became clear to me that we should have another baby join our family. I started anticipating a fifth healthy pregnancy. I learned I was expecting in the early summer, and I felt giddy knowing I had a secret that my four kids would be ecstatic about! Shortly after school started during fall 2010, things started feeling “off.” When I was 13 weeks, there was no heartbeat and we lost our dream baby. Because of the gender pattern of our first four kids, we felt it was a boy and as a family we named our unborn baby Calvin. Each of our children have felt close to their unborn brother. In second grade, our daughter Lindsey brought home her “ABC Book” that she had written and illustrated. I opened it to the dedication page which read, “Dedicated to Calvin because he never got to learn his ABCs.” Our oldest son served an LDS mission in Mexico and wrote Calvin’s name on the bottom of his shoe so he could remember his constant “companion.” We love and cherish this unborn baby. A year after we mourned his loss, a baby girl joined our family, which continued our pattern of boy, girl, boy, girl, boy, girl. Our angel baby has unified our family!

Faith is Greater Than Fear

I loved getting to know this sweet family.  The pictures Camila shared touched my heart, especially seeing the faces of these sweet children.  I am inspired by the faith and strength that baby Faith has brought to the world.  

Here is Camila and Bridger Bateman's beautiful and tender story.  I am still amazed that they participated in the Running with Angels 5K two years ago, only a few weeks after Baby Faith Haven Bateman was born and returned to heaven.

In the fall of 2016, we received the wonderful news that another one of Heavenly Father's children would be joining our family. We were so excited! We had prayed for this child to come to complete our family. We had felt her presence so strongly even before she was conceived.  A few short months later our lives were turned upside down and our happiness was shattered as we learned that our child was probably not going to make it to birth and if she did, she would not be staying for very long. Our two other children were more devastated at hearing the news than were we as parents. At this point, our trial of Faith was just beginning. 

We were referred to meet with doctors who specialized in high-risk pregnancy. They attempted to help us understand the risks of continuing with our pregnancy. It was at this point, that we began to understand the gravity of our situation. As they suggested immediate termination because our precious angel wasn't in their opinion "worth it". We then realized that we could only exercise our faith, and turn to the Lord in prayer and supplication. Before leaving the doctors that afternoon, we told them how much we loved our daughter and how she was so worth it to us,

regardless of her circumstance. We mutually decided as a family that Baby Faith was going to be given the chance of life and that we could live with that decision. We know she had chosen us to be her parents and her voice. She knew we could give her a chance at life, and we did! Also knowing that Baby Faith would not be with us for long, we began creating memories with her while still in utero.  This was the life she was given and we wanted to share it with her. We prayed and fasted along with many friends and family members begging for the miracle that we would meet her in life and also that we would be strengthened through this experience. We were so blessed during our time with Baby Faith. During this trial, we came up with a special phrase in our family that has helped us each day, and especially on the hard days: "LET YOUR FAITH BE BIGGER THAN YOUR FEARS"

On April 9th, 2017, and on Palm Sunday of all days and at full term, Baby Faith Haven made her entrance to this world. She cried loud for all to hear and to announce her miracle of birth. Most people dream of angels but we were able to hold one in our arms and she was precious and perfect! Faith blessed the lives of many. In life, she was able to meet her big brother and sister, all four grandparents and many of her closest aunts, uncles, and cousins.  She was blessed and properly given a name by her daddy. Two hours later, she quietly and peacefully returned to her loving Father in heaven. There is not a day in our lives that we do not miss her and think of her. Some days we feel the pain and unbearable sadness of not having Faith here with us, but she comforts us in our greatest times of need. There are no words to describe the pain of losing your precious child. We know she is a part of our lives and is always near. We feel her presence often and there is no doubt that she is an active part of our family.  During this trial of our Faith, we have been comforted by our Heavenly Father, the Savior Jesus Christ, and a living apostle in  President Dieter F. Uchtdorf. He came to our home to comfort us and to give me a special blessing. The Lord did not leave us comfortless.

John 14:18  I WILL NOT LEAVE YOU COMFORTLESS, I WILL COME TO YOU...
 Our two other children at such tender ages have been through so much with the loss of their baby sister. Through this hard experience, they have learned to be compassionate, loving, and empathetic to those in need. We love our precious Faith Haven and miss her every day. Knowing that families can be together forever helps us move forward in life with a purpose, even when one of our precious children is not here. Now we walk towards that goal from opposites sides and look forward to that joyous reunion in heaven when we will be reunited as an eternal family.

We just celebrated Faiths 2nd anniversary a few weeks ago and found again that anniversaries can be very hard and bittersweet. We are very grateful for the Angel Watch program as they exceeded our expectations. Also, I remember My first RUNNING WITH ANGELS 5K RUN. It was only a few weeks after I had delivered baby Faith via C-section and I felt Faith running at our side. It was a very special moment, having family and friends come together to celebrate Faith's life as well as the many other precious babies who have returned to heaven far too soon. 

 

"Our Favorite Hello and Hardest Goodbye"

My heart felt a familiar ache as I read the story of the Hester family.  Little Emma and Oliver came into their lives just a few short months ago.  And, bittersweetly, they also met the wonderful group 'Share Parents of Utah.'  This group is made up of parents who have lost children, who stand ready to help the rest of us through that tender life changing experience.  

I am honored that Jacob and Katelyn Hester will be joining us in a few short weeks at the Running with Angels 5K!  Here is their story:

Our Favorite Hello and Hardest Goodbye

I was finally pregnant! Something we had waited for (and prayed for) finally happened and not with just one baby but TWINS! Life was beautiful, and amazing, and the future we pictured with our two babies was getting closer and closer! We felt so blessed! However, all that shattered at 23 weeks 2 days.

I started having contractions which then created some spotting. We called labor and delivery and were told to come in so they could give me some medicine to stop the contractions.  We drove to the hospital where they got me immediately in a room and into a bed and at that moment Emma’s water sack burst.

My doctor called the U of U Medical Center for advice and we were given three life changing options:

1. Have the babies immediately and hold them until they passed from this life.

2. Try to keep the babies in 4 more days by giving me the medicine to stop the contractions but the amniotic fluid would continue to leak and lead to more complications for my own body. However, if I could keep them in 4 more days, the babies would have a greater chance of survival outside the womb, and I would have been transported up to the U of U so the babies could get more specialized care.

3. Birth the babies and try to do immediate NICU care but they would be too small to be transported to the U. We were also informed they would have a great chance of having some sort of disability.

We chose option 2 with option 3 as our back up. I was given medication to stop the contractions but they were not administered in time. Not even two hours after making that decision Emma decided she needed to come and I was quickly given an epidural and rushed into an operating room. At 2:30am on Saturday December 8, 2018,  Emma came into the world weighing 14oz and with a heart rate of 40 beats per min. She lived only 5 minutes and passed in my arms- my heart beat being the last sound she heard. There was nothing the NICU staff could do when Heavenly Father called his daughter home. 

My doctor had to break the other sack and at 2:52am our little Oliver was born at 1lb 4 oz. My doctor held him up for me to see and he was so tiny he fit in his hands. He was immediately put into the care of the NICU staff where they put a ventilator down his throat and an IV in his belly button. I was taken back to the labor and delivery room where I still held Emma and mourned the loss of our baby girl.

Oliver was in the NICU for 12 days. During those 12 days there were many failed attempts to get in picc lines and, on day 8, he was deemed strong enough against all odds and was life flighted to the U of U NICU. Other than the repeatedly failed picc line, he seemed fairly healthy and his nickname at both NICUs was “Feisty.” 

Despite being born so early, he put up the biggest fight to stay alive. He constantly was being poked and prodded and took it like a champ! However, they quickly discovered he had a fungal infection that was abscessing in his liver and spreading through his body. On day 12 of his very short life we got to hold him for the first time for the last hour and a half of his life.

In those moments I fully understood what a privilege and sacred right it is to be a mom, even when our children are not with us physically. We held Oliver close and sang him primary songs and hymns and told him about Jesus and how he would get to go seem Him real soon. There was a feeling of immense peace and comfort in the NICU that day-despite having to say goodbye to yet another child. 

We don’t know why our children came early- there were no signs of any complications until I went into premature labor. We are just very thankful for the two precious children God have us and for the short time we had with them. This separation is hard every single day, but the knowledge we can be with them for eternity softens the pain of their death. I know they are never far from us and I feel them with me often. We just await they day we will be reunited with them again!

We would like to thank the amazing L&D nurses, my OBGYN, and the doctors and NICU staff at Jordan Valley Medical Center and at the University Of Utah. You gave us time with our babies and never gave up hope for a brighter future! Also, thank you to Share Parents of Utah for your support in the grief of our losses. You were one of our many miracles! 

Happy Birthday, Angel Baby Tessa!

What a sweet family!  I visited with Amber and my heart ached as I heard her tender story, but rejoiced in the wonderfully positive attitude of this strong woman.  For so many, becoming pregnant is almost too easy.  For others, like the Blackburns, it comes after many courageous attempts. 

Baby Tessa's birthday is two days before the Running with Angels Race, on May 18th, 2019.  It will  be one year since her birth.  I like to think she will be running right there, alongside her big brother, Hyrum, and her parents, as this beautiful family joins us to celebrate her life.

Registration is at runningwithangels.org.

When we finally decided to start our family we had no idea that it would be so difficult.  After months and months of trying we were told that our only option for getting pregnant was IVF.  So we started the IVF journey oblivious to the rocky road ahead.  After our first IVF round we got pregnant with and had our first child, Hyrum.  We were so excited!  A couple years later we decided that Hyrum needed a sibling.  After 3 rounds of IVF, a miscarriage and an ectopic pregnancy we were finally pregnant with another baby.  We were going to have a little girl!  We were SO excited. This one was going to work! All signs were go until on a terrible Tuesday at 35 weeks we found out that our sweet little girl, Tessa had no heartbeat.  

The next day we delivered her via c-section. Tessa Jodean was 5 lbs. 15 oz. and so, so beautiful! We were heartbroken. We were devastated. Words can't even describe. We cried many tears. Many many tears. The sadness felt unbearable.  But there was peace and love also.  Holding her and being with her in the hospital was a very tender, sacred time.  We felt strengthened from family and friends that came to visit.  They held her and loved her. 

The days and months that followed are a blur of sadness and longing for our Tessa.  We are approaching our one year mark and I'm amazed that we made it to this point.  Looking back we have felt that it was those around us that carried us through.  I'm filled with gratitude for the many people that have cried with us, loved us and remembered Tessa with us.  I was told once that "Life is hard. The only way through it is together."  I couldn't agree more.  We love our little girl.  Tessa is part of our family and always will be.